McNugget is adorable. I coparent 3 kids (10, 14, 16) and have been told by everyone that I was in the "thick" of it for the past 15+ years. The thick never ends. They say time goes by quickly (days are slow, years are fast, yadaaaaaaa) but it is all very slow and when it is "done" (it is never done, this is eternal) I will be very old. I parent feast and famine style (it's more complicated than every other week) and it is exactly how that sounds - all the good and bad at once, and then none of it. And repeat. I know I am a better parent than what I came from. But my parents were the perfect parents for a writer, so how can I complain? And I never would have been this funny without all this pain. So I say mess him up but teach him all those big words you know along the way so that he can write a really great novel.
Yeah, I am fed up with the cliches of this whole thing being thrown at me like I’m some idiot that doesn’t get it. I find myself blinking in blind rage: these poor fools actually believe this shit? Or have they consigned themselves so fully? I don’t know.
I will teach the little man All the Words. His first may well be fuck. Can’t wait to get the call from my mom when she’s watching him and that one comes out, crystal clear.
It’s true that we are shaped by the pain and the deficits in our lives as much or more than the good things. I am about to go down a philosophical rabbit hole, and nobody wants that, so I shall stop.
But I am glad you are who you are, even if it is hard won.
It has been awhile since I was in your shoes, Owen. My daughter is 21. However, I still remember most of it … including the forgettable parts.
You say this about the early days: “And that new part of your life is amazing. And awful. Rewarding. And mindless. Joyful. And relentlessly dull.”
I think that is all true as an absolute value. Individual parents, of course, perceive these things differently. Some focus only on the awful, or the less-than-wonderful; others have so many things going on besides parenting that they may not perceive much at all, not even the truly joyful.
With distance from your current perch, I can say that I remember the totality of it more than fondly. It is probably more rosy than in the moment.
Two other quick observations.
—First, I like your generational over correction point. There were a number of times growing up where I made a mental (or verbal) note that I would do this or that differently than my parents.
—Second, despite this urge to correct, your point about survival mode is well made. I can’t recall anything I said I would change because so much of parenting was (and still is) meeting the moment. There is no past or future, there is only now, and in the now I need to take specific action.
I always explain to people 3 things about how Pamela and I parent and the life we now lead.
1. It’s hard. Super fucking hard. We do almost everything on hard mode, not really on purpose, but because we think it’s the best way to do exactly as you described above. Teach our daughter how to become a self sufficient, capable absolutely badass women. It’s not for everyone.
2. We don’t live for our daughter. She now lives with us. That means we eat the same dinner. We travel to places we also enjoy. We treat her like a little human with her own thoughts and opinions and abilities. That has helped us enjoy our lives and maintain both our own selfish cares but also our marriage. In my opinion, Only doing what the kids want is a recipe for depression. Don’t lose yourself in being only a parent. That being said we also have changed our expectations. We still travel a lot, but aren’t at the fanciest restaurants and cocktail bars and out till 2 am. We can enjoy our life with our daughter and be grateful for all of it.
3. I wouldn’t trade any of it for anything. The bad with the good. It’s a life I cherish. I also don’t begrudge anyone who doesn’t want to be a parent. It’s not for everyone no matter what the mob of society tells you. Which is really about knowing yourself first. If you don’t know yourself, parenting is not going to make it somehow better. Which I think goes to the lie people tell themselves and others. Parenting is like anything else in that way.
Not surprisingly, we have similar approaches to this, Sal. I would make the same decision to have McNugget 100/100 times. I wouldn't trade having him for anything. But this notion that we're supposed to just live in some fantasy state and ignore what it's really like and the costs of it strikes me as really damaging to parents, and by extension, to kids.
I appreciate your honesty about your parenting journey, and I wish more folks had the guts to speak with more transparency about it because the grief women in society get about not bearing children is out of control. I am a relatively new Auntie to a toddler and a 2-month-old whom I care about very much. However, their short tenure in my life has validated my decision to be childfree. I require regular periods of silence to be functional. Short, scheduled bursts of engagement work best for me as a chronic overgiver. I appreciate witnessing children's default setting of joy, and I do my best not to ruminate on what I missed out on as a mini-adult- I mean child. I say a big kudos to parents of all configurations- it is a tough, unending job.
“Becoming a parent makes every part of your existing life worse.” — if you let it. And let’s be honest, most parents do. I think it comes from the concept, passed down from generation, that we want our kids to have it better than we did. So if we didn’t have X, we want to make sure our kids have X. Or if we didn’t have opportunity Y, we want to make sure our kids have opportunity Y. I see it in my wife. She was a latchkey kid that moved around a lot when she was young. There are a lot of things she didn’t have or was able to do growing up, and so I catch her trying to make sure our daughter has as many things and opportunities as possible.
So don’t let being a parent make your life worse. Don’t sacrifice yourself for your kid. Don’t give up your hobbies, your work, your passions. Build in “you” time every day, just like you want to build time in each week to spend with your wife. And don’t worry about what others think or tell you that you "should" do. You can screw up your kid plenty well on your own.
McNugget is adorable. I coparent 3 kids (10, 14, 16) and have been told by everyone that I was in the "thick" of it for the past 15+ years. The thick never ends. They say time goes by quickly (days are slow, years are fast, yadaaaaaaa) but it is all very slow and when it is "done" (it is never done, this is eternal) I will be very old. I parent feast and famine style (it's more complicated than every other week) and it is exactly how that sounds - all the good and bad at once, and then none of it. And repeat. I know I am a better parent than what I came from. But my parents were the perfect parents for a writer, so how can I complain? And I never would have been this funny without all this pain. So I say mess him up but teach him all those big words you know along the way so that he can write a really great novel.
Yeah, I am fed up with the cliches of this whole thing being thrown at me like I’m some idiot that doesn’t get it. I find myself blinking in blind rage: these poor fools actually believe this shit? Or have they consigned themselves so fully? I don’t know.
I will teach the little man All the Words. His first may well be fuck. Can’t wait to get the call from my mom when she’s watching him and that one comes out, crystal clear.
It’s true that we are shaped by the pain and the deficits in our lives as much or more than the good things. I am about to go down a philosophical rabbit hole, and nobody wants that, so I shall stop.
But I am glad you are who you are, even if it is hard won.
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/48419/this-be-the-verse
Teaches the lesson and the word in one go!
It has been awhile since I was in your shoes, Owen. My daughter is 21. However, I still remember most of it … including the forgettable parts.
You say this about the early days: “And that new part of your life is amazing. And awful. Rewarding. And mindless. Joyful. And relentlessly dull.”
I think that is all true as an absolute value. Individual parents, of course, perceive these things differently. Some focus only on the awful, or the less-than-wonderful; others have so many things going on besides parenting that they may not perceive much at all, not even the truly joyful.
With distance from your current perch, I can say that I remember the totality of it more than fondly. It is probably more rosy than in the moment.
Two other quick observations.
—First, I like your generational over correction point. There were a number of times growing up where I made a mental (or verbal) note that I would do this or that differently than my parents.
—Second, despite this urge to correct, your point about survival mode is well made. I can’t recall anything I said I would change because so much of parenting was (and still is) meeting the moment. There is no past or future, there is only now, and in the now I need to take specific action.
Interesting post. Cheers.
I always explain to people 3 things about how Pamela and I parent and the life we now lead.
1. It’s hard. Super fucking hard. We do almost everything on hard mode, not really on purpose, but because we think it’s the best way to do exactly as you described above. Teach our daughter how to become a self sufficient, capable absolutely badass women. It’s not for everyone.
2. We don’t live for our daughter. She now lives with us. That means we eat the same dinner. We travel to places we also enjoy. We treat her like a little human with her own thoughts and opinions and abilities. That has helped us enjoy our lives and maintain both our own selfish cares but also our marriage. In my opinion, Only doing what the kids want is a recipe for depression. Don’t lose yourself in being only a parent. That being said we also have changed our expectations. We still travel a lot, but aren’t at the fanciest restaurants and cocktail bars and out till 2 am. We can enjoy our life with our daughter and be grateful for all of it.
3. I wouldn’t trade any of it for anything. The bad with the good. It’s a life I cherish. I also don’t begrudge anyone who doesn’t want to be a parent. It’s not for everyone no matter what the mob of society tells you. Which is really about knowing yourself first. If you don’t know yourself, parenting is not going to make it somehow better. Which I think goes to the lie people tell themselves and others. Parenting is like anything else in that way.
Not surprisingly, we have similar approaches to this, Sal. I would make the same decision to have McNugget 100/100 times. I wouldn't trade having him for anything. But this notion that we're supposed to just live in some fantasy state and ignore what it's really like and the costs of it strikes me as really damaging to parents, and by extension, to kids.
It sounds like you may enjoy the book "The Sovereign Child," Sal - you're already living it.
Here's the Amazon link:
https://a.co/d/3OoAxg0
Thanks for the recommendation Ethan. I’ll check it out!
Explore away! I expect your full report on my desk by joke o'clock Funday 🙃 😁
I appreciate your honesty about your parenting journey, and I wish more folks had the guts to speak with more transparency about it because the grief women in society get about not bearing children is out of control. I am a relatively new Auntie to a toddler and a 2-month-old whom I care about very much. However, their short tenure in my life has validated my decision to be childfree. I require regular periods of silence to be functional. Short, scheduled bursts of engagement work best for me as a chronic overgiver. I appreciate witnessing children's default setting of joy, and I do my best not to ruminate on what I missed out on as a mini-adult- I mean child. I say a big kudos to parents of all configurations- it is a tough, unending job.
“Becoming a parent makes every part of your existing life worse.” — if you let it. And let’s be honest, most parents do. I think it comes from the concept, passed down from generation, that we want our kids to have it better than we did. So if we didn’t have X, we want to make sure our kids have X. Or if we didn’t have opportunity Y, we want to make sure our kids have opportunity Y. I see it in my wife. She was a latchkey kid that moved around a lot when she was young. There are a lot of things she didn’t have or was able to do growing up, and so I catch her trying to make sure our daughter has as many things and opportunities as possible.
So don’t let being a parent make your life worse. Don’t sacrifice yourself for your kid. Don’t give up your hobbies, your work, your passions. Build in “you” time every day, just like you want to build time in each week to spend with your wife. And don’t worry about what others think or tell you that you "should" do. You can screw up your kid plenty well on your own.